It
had only been a few months since my mom and I had driven down 34rd St.
after leaving her favorite restaurant, Luby’s. This cafeteria is known for
having square fish. She turned to me and said it was time to get
everything in order. She said I could
get more done if she were with me. How
true that was. Her faith and strength
were stronger than anyone I had every known.
I agreed to do what ever she wanted me to do. I listened as she gave me instructions. We discussed everything as if we were running
a business. I felt so inadequate in
strength compared to this woman. That
day my mom and I made an alliance that I would follow her instructions. I knew she had a premonition that the end was
near. We had a nice discussion and I was
not sad or surprised.
At
the time we were getting everything in order I did not know I would become
obsessed with finding the perfect blue coffin. I also did not know that I would
want to make sure she had the most beautiful blue dress to match the coffin. I
did not know that I wanted the most beautiful songs and singers. I did not know that my children would be
contributing and supporting the entire event by speaking, singing, playing
guitar and piano. I did not know that they would be so strong, and that they
were all just like her in strength.
Little
did I know what was ahead of me. Death
was coming faster than I had imagined. I
thought it could be years. Death is always a surprise even when expected. How do people handle an illness, death or
catastrophic event without faith and religion?
What I really mean is how can someone survive grief without God?
The
call came that today was the day. The day
of death? Surely they were wrong and it would take several days. I was already
driving to see her. My tears were
similar to a bad thunderstorm. I could
see nothing and all I wanted was a chaplain, a pastor, or a rabbi. I needed
someone that had more clout with God than I did. In the
midst of chaos I felt total calm and comfort as the church deacons arrived. The church sent members who came to support
and encourage me as I traveled into territory where I had never been. She was
unresponsive they said. The sounds of
her breathing were rather loud, but consistent. Her purple feet were
indications that the body was shutting down. I grabbed her hand as I always did
and brushed her hair back over her ears.
I wanted to say all these wonderful things she had done for me, but I
knew that if I did I would break down in tears.
She wasn’t too fond of weakness and crying so I just sat quietly as her
weary breathing continued.
How
could this be happening? The day before
she wanted me to go to lunch with my son and his wife, but I could not leave
her. There would be plenty of time for
lunches. She had also asked me, “Who
will take care of you?” I had left her
the night before and when she looked at me it was as if she could not see. I believe that was the veil before death that
I had read about. She was leaving us,
but I did not think so soon.
I
was all alone and waiting for my son to arrive. The middle son came into the
room and I was hopeful when I saw him. I
was hopeful that things would be better.
He sweetly leaned over and said “Granny:
Jeff is here. I’m here now”. Within minutes her breathing changed. I said out loud, “Her breathing is
changing.” She was given morphine under
the tongue and within seconds her breaths stretched out. I thought she stopped breathing and then
there was one more breath. My son and I
both sat motionless and cried quietly. I
felt of her chest and arms to see if there was another breath or if she felt
warm. There was nothing. The hospice nurse, Artis sat with his head
down as we both cried. He was a
wonderful nurse. He had put baby lotion
all over his hands and arms. The smell
was wonderful. He slowly and
methodically went to his bag and pulled out a stethoscope. He checked her and looked at us and said,
“She’s passed”.
